WeeklyProjections.com

There’s an old joke about how you should never follow the advice of someone who begins with the words, “You boys ain’t gonna believe this crap.” Actually, now that I think about it, it may be more traditional folk wisdom than a joke. I don’t really know. Either way, I’m far too lazy to look it up right now.

All I can say is that predicting week 17 is going to be like predicting preseason’s ever-popular week three. All the teams on the field, technically, would prefer to win. But are they going to let their stars actually win it for them? Hmmmm …

I have this terrible feeling that next week we will ALL be living out that NFL.com commercial, where fantasy football fans are looking crushed as the song “Had a Bad Day” plays. I’m calling 130 as a top-10 score for the week.

So how are you going to break 100 points next week? You boys ain’t gonna believe this crap …

QB1: Tom Brady vs the New York Football Giants. Thank God for Coach Hoodie. He is the biggest a-hole in the NFL, so he will let Brady and Moss do their thing for at least three quarters. And fortunately the Giants may be good enough to give them a decent game for a few minutes.
QB2: Ben Roethlisberger at Baltimore. I don’t LOVE this matchup. But I know people from Pittsburgh, and they are ALL tougher than your average NFL player. If their team doesn’t play hard, the players know they’re in for a butt-kicking as they get off the plane in Pittsburgh. And nobody wants that.
RB1: Adrian Peterson at Denver. He could go for 300 yards. Or he could go for 3. Hard to tell. I’ll take the over.
RB2: Any San Diego running back at Oakland. Why oh why does Norv Turner have to be the head coach of the Chargers??? The Raiders are so bad at stopping the run that this could have been the single greatest game in LT’s career. Sadly, he’ll probably only play a half. And that’s all you’ll need from him. Or … Norv could sit him for the entire game … WAIT!!! Who said Coach Hoodie was the biggest a-hole in the NFL!!! I think we’ve found an even bigger one … Just figure out what Norv is planning and start the RB who will be getting the most snaps.
WR1: Randy Moss vs whoever. He’s Randy Moss. What do you expect?
WR2: Santonio Holmes at Baltimore. What??? Holmes? What am I thinking? Giving a coveted starting spot to a #2 WR on a team that may not even do much? I’m out of control! You can’t stop me! If you try, I’ll just take you down with me!
WR3: Torry Holt at Arizona. Can’t you see this is the final act of a desperate man? I don’t care if it’s the first act of Henry V. I’m starting him.
TE: Do you REALLY want me to recommend someone here? This week my TE got 5 points and, ohmygod, I jumped up and down like a little girl running into her best friend at the mall. You’re better off without me on this one.
K: Stephen Gostkowski vs the New York Football Giants. Hey kid, you’re a good kicker, but you’ll never make it in show biz with a name like that. How will they fit it on the marquee? From now on, you’re Steve Smith … what??? I DON’T CARE IF THERE ARE ALREADY TWO OF THEM IN THE NFL!!!! I’VE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE YOU WERE AN ITCH IN YOUR DADDY’S PANTS!!! YOU’RE STEVE SMITH. THE ONE WHO ISN’T A RECEIVER!!!! Now be a mensch and get the hell out of here … I’m late for a meeting at Spago with Suzanne Pleshette.
DEF: Steelers at Baltimore. Did I mention that Steelers fans are tough?

So that’s it for now. Merry Christmas. Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzah. And a successful Festivus to you all!

Lothar here again … and wow, what a truly crappy week for everyone. I was the first to tell you to go with Brady, Romo, Addai, Moss, T.O., Fitzgerald, Cooley, Folk and the Baltimore Defense, so … uh … sorry about that.

But enough crying over water under the bridge! Let me make it up to you! This week I won’t just give you my Early-Early best lineup for week 16 … I’m also going to give you your best DIFFERENTIATED lineup, for those of you looking to mix it up! Guaranteed to work this week, or your money back. You can’t beat that!!!!

QB1: Tom Brady vs Miami. Come on people, have some balls. It’s Miami for God’s sake and Brady is still the greatest fantasy player out there. And this time the weather should be a positively balmy 30-36 degrees with light wind and no rain. So bring your sun screen!
QB2: Derek Anderson at Cincinnati. The Bengals blow. And hopefully the wind won’t. Actually, according to the early reports, the weather should be above freezing, light wind and only a 30% chance of showers. Meanwhile the Browns need to keep winning to improve their playoff standing, and it’s time for the Bengals to roll over and play dead. Oh wait … they’ve been doing that since September.
RB1: Brian Westbrook at New Orleans. Westy is always good for at least a dozen points, and the Saints D is soft against a running back catching passes from the backfield. BONUS: It’s in a dome!
RB2: Joseph Addai vs Houston. Look, do you honestly think Dungee will forget about his running game for a second consecutive week? Me neither. BONUS: Dome game!
WR1: Randy Moss vs Miami. Go ahead! Sell him off on Tuesday morning! I know you’re gonna. Hell, I am too! He may even be the FIRST player I sell. But I’ll be buying him again on Wednesday ….
WR2: Braylon Edwards at Cincinnati. Derek Anderson has to throw his TDs to somebody.
WR3: Terrell Owens at Carolina. Two questions: First, what do the past two poor performances by the Cowboys have in common? Answer: They didn’t get the ball to T.O. much in either game. Second question: Did you see T.O. melting down on the bench throughout the Eagles game? So did Jason Garrett, the Cowboys offensive coordinator. What does this mean? Bounceback game!
TE: Antonio Gates vs Denver. Evidently Gates LOVES playing the Broncos, with 100 yards against them the last two times they played and a total of three TDs in those two games. (Warning: check the injury report Sunday morning!)
K: Adam Vinatieri vs Houston. Hey, he’s a good kid. He always says “please” and “thank you” and he stays the hell out of my yard. What more do you want from a player?
DEF: Patriots vs Miami. Call me crazy, but I think they’ll find a way to slow down the Lemon-Camarillo duo.

That’s the line-up you can probably expect EVERYONE to go with. So … if you want to be really sneaky, try this counter-lineup:

QB1: Ben Roethlisberger at St. Louis. He’ll be so thankful to be in a dome — and on dry turf — that he’ll throw 3 TDs. Then he’ll be so happy to be facing the Rams DBs, he’ll throw three more!
QB2: Donovan McNabb at New Orleans. Remember back when this guy used to be a fantasy stud? Yeah, that was great. Like Big Ben, he’ll be in a dome and happy to see the DBs he’ll be facing.
RB1: Fred Taylor vs Oakland. Okay, playing Oakland, he would have been in my first group, but with my luck Maurice Jones-Drew ends up getting all the TD carries and I have to come back and apologize again next Sunday night. No thank you. Fred, you’re in group two. Deal with it!
RB2: Earnest Graham at the 49ers. Whoa-hoa, Lothar! What are you thinking??? Hell if I know, it’s late and I shouldn’t have drank all that cough syrup.
WR1: Reggie Wayne at Houston. Doesn’t he always appear on these lists? Why stop now?
WR2: Wes Welker vs Miami. People love playing this guy. He’s like Randy Moss, just … not.
WR3: Anquan Boldin vs Atlanta. The Falcons are actually capable of shutting down one receiver. That receiver will be Fitzgerald. Boldin will make the most of it.
TE: Kellen Winslow at Cincinnati. Because eventually Derek Anderson will get bored just throwing TDs to Braylon Edwards.
K: Phil Dawson. He’ll be kicking extra points all freaking day.
DEF: Patriots vs Miami. Come on people, differentiation will only take you so far … we’re talking the Dolphins offense here! The NFL is handing you a gift. if you screw this one up, you’ll be kicking yourself all through the off season! Now, go out and do the right thing …

Hi, everyone! This is Lothar. Those of you who have been reading the comments to Jibjab’s posts for the past couple of months know I’ve been offering my Early-Early Projections before the previous week’s Monday night game is over. Now Jibjab has promoted me to above the fold. So thank you, Jibjab! Hope you know what you’re doing …

Now, the big question is: Why do this so darn early? The Answer: Because the alternative is obsessing over the fact that I played Carson Palmer over Tom Brady this week (why, God, why????). Or Antonio Gates over Dallas Clark last week. Or Willie Parker over Kolby Smith the week before. Or … well, you get it.

So now, without further objections, let’s go to an early look at next week’s best matchups! (The views here are not necessarily those of Jibjab, the Jibjab family or the vast majority of western civilization.)

QB1: Tom Brady vs the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets. Jets! I have friends who are Jets fans. Close friends. And I feel terrible for each and every one of them. I always have. But not as bad as I feel for the Jets defensive backs. Here’s to you, you poor, wretched shmucks.
QB2: Tony Romo vs Philly. Brady and Romo … Brady and Romo … Brady and Romo. Is this getting boring yet? “Give me some variety!” you scream. Okay, okay. You take Carson Palmer next week. Let me know how THAT works out for you. I’ll be playing Brady and Romo.
RB1: Joseph Addai at Oakland. OH MY GOD! The world’s worst rushing defense versus one of the best running backs in the league. Somebody make a call to Canton – they’re going to need to buy a couple more plexiglas displays on Monday.
RB2: LaDanian Tomlinson vs Detroit. I’ve spent time in the Detroit airport, running from one flight to the next. Nobody’s ever tackled me before I got to my gate. I figure LaDanian will have a similar experience.
WR1: Randy Moss vs the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets! Reminder to Jets fans: Like all things, this too shall pass.
WR2: Terrell Owens vs Philly. Looking at most of the numbers, I don’t love this matchup. But I didn’t like it last time they played either and he still got me like 23 points. I’d be more exact, but after 14 hours on the couch watching football coverage, my entire body has atrophied. So I’m not doing the research. But trust me, Terrell was pretty good last time against the Eagles.
WR3: Larry Fitzgerald at New Orleans. Well, looks like he’s back from his injury. But even if he’s still not at 100%, the New Orleans defense is so bad that Fitz will score a TD, even if he doesn’t suit up for the game. If he doesn’t even make the flight, put him down for 3 catches, 50 yards receiving.
TE: Chris Cooley at the Giants. Here is the only iron-clad guarantee this week: Whichever TE I start, he is CERTAIN to score you negative points. You know those few weeks when Antonio Gates scored less than one Rotopoint? Those were the weeks I started him. This week I am starting Cooley. You have been warned …
K: Nick Folk vs Philly. If I could figure out how to pick a kicker, I’d already be counting my $100,000. Until someone gives me a better system, I’ll continue starting the kicker on my favorite team.
DEF: Baltimore at Miami. Did I mention that I have friends who are Dolphin fans too? I’ve hidden all of their belts and shoelaces. They’ll get ‘em back in April when Darren McFadden becomes Miami’s newest celebrity resident.

Well, I think I’ve done quite enough damage for one week. Good luck, and send all of your complaints to Jibjab.